Stood up, yet again

What is it with me and getting "stood up"?

Do I send off some kind of vibe that says to women--oh, don't worry, he's a nice guy and if you stand him up, he won't really mind that much.

Happened yesterday. Made plans with someone, was on the way to meet them when I got a call. Turns out she had "forgotten" about other previously made plans and had to cancel. Oh, and she hoped I wouldn't be upset about it.

Which I was, but what are you going to do? I mean, do I go and be an ass about it? Or do I be a nice guy and continued to get walked over?

Or do I learn my lesson and not make any future plans with her? I think that's the one. This is the third time by my count that I've been stood up. I suppose on some level, I should take comfort that at least this time she bothered to call. Of course, I was on the way to her place so maybe it was to avoid an embarassing situation in front of the neighbors. The previous two times, it was laughed up like I'm the idiot who couldn't find her when she was 45 plus minutes late. (Am I wrong in thinking that after half an hour, looking around, making calls and getting no answer that I can leave?)

So, I'm done. I've had it. Chalk it up to experience. I've lived, I've learned, I'm moving on....

But I'm still a bit annoyed about the whole thing.

And for those of you wondering--this is not the same woman who stood me up in a previous post.

Intimacy

One of the biggest things I miss about a relationship is the intimacy.

And no, I don't necessarily mean the huggy-body, kissy-face type of intimacy, though being a male I do miss that. (Of course, being male I tend to miss than within five seconds of having had said physical intimacy...it's just the way we are).

While that part of the intimacy is part of it, it's only part of the intimacy I miss.

At the gym the other night, I looked over to see a guy holding the feet of a woman while she did sit-ups. It wasn't anything shocking and you'd never call it a public display of affection, but it was a sign. Because if I were to walk up to a woman and randomly hold her feet so she could do sit-ups, she'd get a restraining order.

Now, I'd never assume these two have a romantic relationship, but they might. It takes a whole lot of trust and vulnerability to let someone really close to you when you're sweaty, smelly and all around stinky from trying to burn off that extra Krispy-Kream you had this morning. But, in my mind, I sort of assumed they were together and I've got to admit--part of me was kind of jealous.

Because I miss that level of intimacy in a relationship. I miss having somoene who knows me and I know her so well that we can almost talk in our own sort of language. Where you don't have to offer the full backstory to something because she may already know it. Someone who you are completely comfortable being just yourself around and knowing they are completely comfortable being themselves around you. To have someone to talk to when you're worried, concerned or upset. To be the one person you want to tell first when something goes right in your life and to be the first one they call when something good happens for them.

To know that you can violate personal space at random times...be it for a hug, or to hold hands. To know someone so well that you know their scent--what perfume she wears, how her shampoo and conditioner smell. I may not always know what the exact scent or fragerence is called, but I know that it is part of her.

I miss all of those things. There are times I yearn for those things to the point that it almost hurts.

I want that kind of intimacy. And yet, it's not something you get overnight. It takes time. And that's why I keep trying to find someone I can connect with so that maybe sometime in the near or far future, we'll have that kind of intimacy.

Getting "stood up."

I hate getting "stood up."

I've got this friend who appears in and out of my life randomly. She and I met through one of those dating web sites and while I'm not sure there's ever any romantic future for us, we've established a friendship.

But lately, she's been driving me a bit nuts with her lack of ability to follow through. We made plans a Saturday or so ago to meet and watch a certain college football game. We exchanged phone calls throughout the day, figuring out where the game was on and what our options were. Finally, sensing a lack of wanting to commit and feeling like I should be the "man" and take the lead, I said, "Why don't we meet here and watch the game?"

She then said she wasn't sure but would call me around game-time. The place was near my house and she said that if she got too inebriated she would "crash at my place." At this point, the guy radar goes off and wonders--what does this mean? Do I get the guest-room ready? Or should I change the sheets on my bed and make sure I've got plenty of, well, you know?

So, I'm confused by this...but she hangs up quickly after this so I have no way to figure out what her intentions are...or if I've just failed some test she's put out there.

So, game time rolls around...no call. I head to the piont we said we'd meet and, no call.

And no call at all during the game..and no update on where she is/was until the Tuesday after the alleged time to meet-up. She decided to stay with some family to watch the game. Which is fine and all, but honestly would it have taken two seconds to call me and tell me.

Yes, I realize that as I write that, I totally sound like the woman here--why won't he call?!?

Anyway, I'm a forgiving guy and at this point have pretty much written off the whole thing as ever being more than a friendship. Honestly, when you're with someone and every five minutes ends with the statement "I can't believe you've never done that" (most of these events involving getting wildly drunk), you sort of see the writing on the wall.

So, she sends me another e-mail late in the week and we disucss various things in our lives. I then got an e-mail Saturday asking me about another college football game. And the promise of, oh I'll call before kick-off and we can chat.

And I'm still waiting for the call...

Why am I not shocked?

But if they're not active, what's the point?

Driving around town, a certain dating web site was running ads for their service. I won't name the dating site, but it rhymes with Lupid.com.

Their tag line was something like--sometime love needs a little help. And that the site had lots of singles out there just like me who were looking for that special someone.

So, I decided that since I haven't had a date in a while and I felt like some kind of intervention of this kind was needed, I'd check the site out.

Logged on, looked around and found...well, that within a good radius of my current location there are quite a large number of single women...none of whom who have been active or on-line in months. I could see if it'd been a day or two or up to a week, but it seems the lowest number I found was something like three weeks.

Needless to say, I didn't plunk down my credit card number to sign up. Call me picky, but I'd like to actually find a woman within 100 miles of my current location.

And maybe that's why I'm single...I'm so darn picky.

The end of an era

Saturday will mark the end of an era for me--the era of trying out a certain, heavily advertised singles web-site for the last few months.

Earlier this year, they had a free weekend, so I set it up and tried it out. But I didn't feel compelled really to actually pony up any cash of my own to continue the service.

Fast forward a month or so and I got an offer I couldn't refuse--three months for the price of one. I decided I'd take the plunge, become a paid up member and see what happened.

Three months later and not much.

The frustrating thing is one of the reasons to close out a potential match is "Other." I get this one a lot--that is when they respond. And you know, I'd rather you just be straight up and tell me you don't find me attractive them throw me into the "Other" category. At least that way I know.....ya know?

So, the three months ends Saturday...and I don't see any compelling reason to renew. There are one or two that we're almost in the final stages of communication, but I'm not sure I will part with sixty bucks on the off-chance they write back.

Oh well...better to have loved and yada, yada, yada.

Other...

A few months ago, I read one of the multitude of dating advice books out there.

One of the first things it advised was to take advantage of every opportunity you could to make sure people knew you were out there and wanting to date. It even went so far as to say you should set a goal, find someone to keep you accountable. For example, each week you'd try to get at least five phone numbers or ways an eligible sigle person for a date. You didn't have to follow up on them, but the goal was to have them. The arguement was that by getting you in the mind-set of looking for a date, you'd find one. Also, you'd get better at talking to strangers and putting yourself out there with practice so you wouldn't always be feeling silly or embarassed.

Another piece of wisdom it gave you was to get over yourself and try a dating service. It recommended the on-line personals route.

So, I tried one of the big ones with the guarantee you'd have a date in six months. That totally didn't work. I honestly have no idea what women on there are looking for...but I guess it's not what's in my profile. But I've got another free six months so I might as well keep on trying....

A few weeks ago, another of the big dating sites gave away a free weekend..it was over a three-day holiday so I signed up, went through the litany of personality tests and preferences and gave it a shot. The thing was it felt like this huge sprint to find a date because the cost of said site is sixty bucks per month. Basically I wanted to see if there'd be any interested candidates for my sixty buck a month. I don't mind spending some money to be introduced but I really wanted to see if there was anyone out there that I was "comptabile" with. What if I'm one of those unmatchable people or I only get one match and she hasn't logged in for six or eight months?

So, I tried it and it went OK. There were some good matches and one actually wrote back enough that we got to exchanged e-mail addressed in the time frame. After that, the web site went back to making you pay the huge fee for useage and I stepped away....that is until they offered three months for the price of one and I thought why not.

Anyway, I'm about a month into it and it's still frustrating. I'd say that most of the profiles I'm matched with either get closed on the woman's end or no response. The most frustrating thing is when someone closes a match, they are supposed to give you a reason. I understand the ones who have met someone and are pursuing that opportunity. But the ones that bug me the most are "Other." It tells me nothing and it makes me wonder if it's a quick, superficial glance at my picture and going--well, he's not physically what I want and shutting it down.

I have no idea....

Single...lonely?

So read the subject line of a SPAM message I got this morning. It's an attempt to get me to try out whatever this new dating web site they're running is. One of the promises is this site has led to more marriages then any other dating web site out there.

Wait, doesn't one of the major, huge dating web sites that advertises every three seconds promise that?

Of course, what the ads fail to factor in is the divorce rate of these relationships.

Cynical and bitter? Maybe just a little.

But you can't really blame me..it's been a less than stellar start to the new year when it comes to making any kind of interpersonal connections. I had one woman chat me up on the pay web site and we exchanged a few messages before she sent a message saying, "Well, I'm going off this service, since this isn't working out like I'd hoped. It's been nice meeting you and I hope you have good luck in your search."

At this point, I start to wonder--should I send her a reply before her account is locked, giving her my direct e-mail address? We've chatted and it's still early in the getting to know you stage, I think. But is she giving me a message..was I not attentive enough? Not interesting enough? Just all around not what she'd hoped for? Was it me? And if I do send her such a message, does it look too....for lack of a better word...desparate to her?

But what if I'm letting insecurity get in the way of something that could be good...and you know, I could be losing a friend if I don't at least try to keep the whatever we have going. So, I e-maile her, said I was sorry she was leaving, I'd enjoyed chatting as well and if she wanted to continue to chat, she could drop me a line. I included an e-mail address and....well, that was a week ago. So, either she can't get the message without plunking down some cash or the message is what I suspected it was in the last e-mail.

Either way, I've heard nothing and I'm not exactly going to sit around the computer, holding my breath until I get some e-mail from her.

But still, at some point, you just have to start wondering--is it me? What am I doing wrong?

Of course, it's no easier when you're rejected out of hand for something in your life you can't change. I'm divorced, which I'm not proud of, but it's part of my history. I'm honest about it and will tell you about it, if you ask. But I also don't see it as a huge scarlet A on my chest either. It's part of who I am.

So, a friend had approached me, saying he had a friend who was single, comptabile with me and we might make a good pair. I said, sure I'd enjoy chatting with her and what was the best way to start. He suggested e-mail, did an e-mail intro and then backed out of the picture. And we hit it off fairly well, exchanging e-mails back and forth on a regular basis...and not short e-mails but actually longer ones with substance to them. More than just the "I like food" kind of thing....

And then, I revealed my divorced status to her...and got back a reply that this changed everything. She's religious and conservative..and her church teaches that the only reason to get divorced is adultry. So, game over. I hadn't committed adultry (would you want me if I had, I wondered) and my ex hadn't. So, thanks for playing....we can still be friends.

And I'm left frustrated, upset and annoyed. Annoyed because I wish I'd told her earlier so I wouldn't have developed an e-mail crush on her....the whole it's easier to have the heart broken now rather than later. Also, I had being defined by that one thing..and yes, I know it's a huge, big deal..but still. You are judging me by one mistake, one thing in my past and it hurts.

So, that's why I'm a bit cynical and bitter these days....

Can you blame me?