Single...lonely?

So read the subject line of a SPAM message I got this morning. It's an attempt to get me to try out whatever this new dating web site they're running is. One of the promises is this site has led to more marriages then any other dating web site out there.

Wait, doesn't one of the major, huge dating web sites that advertises every three seconds promise that?

Of course, what the ads fail to factor in is the divorce rate of these relationships.

Cynical and bitter? Maybe just a little.

But you can't really blame me..it's been a less than stellar start to the new year when it comes to making any kind of interpersonal connections. I had one woman chat me up on the pay web site and we exchanged a few messages before she sent a message saying, "Well, I'm going off this service, since this isn't working out like I'd hoped. It's been nice meeting you and I hope you have good luck in your search."

At this point, I start to wonder--should I send her a reply before her account is locked, giving her my direct e-mail address? We've chatted and it's still early in the getting to know you stage, I think. But is she giving me a message..was I not attentive enough? Not interesting enough? Just all around not what she'd hoped for? Was it me? And if I do send her such a message, does it look too....for lack of a better word...desparate to her?

But what if I'm letting insecurity get in the way of something that could be good...and you know, I could be losing a friend if I don't at least try to keep the whatever we have going. So, I e-maile her, said I was sorry she was leaving, I'd enjoyed chatting as well and if she wanted to continue to chat, she could drop me a line. I included an e-mail address and....well, that was a week ago. So, either she can't get the message without plunking down some cash or the message is what I suspected it was in the last e-mail.

Either way, I've heard nothing and I'm not exactly going to sit around the computer, holding my breath until I get some e-mail from her.

But still, at some point, you just have to start wondering--is it me? What am I doing wrong?

Of course, it's no easier when you're rejected out of hand for something in your life you can't change. I'm divorced, which I'm not proud of, but it's part of my history. I'm honest about it and will tell you about it, if you ask. But I also don't see it as a huge scarlet A on my chest either. It's part of who I am.

So, a friend had approached me, saying he had a friend who was single, comptabile with me and we might make a good pair. I said, sure I'd enjoy chatting with her and what was the best way to start. He suggested e-mail, did an e-mail intro and then backed out of the picture. And we hit it off fairly well, exchanging e-mails back and forth on a regular basis...and not short e-mails but actually longer ones with substance to them. More than just the "I like food" kind of thing....

And then, I revealed my divorced status to her...and got back a reply that this changed everything. She's religious and conservative..and her church teaches that the only reason to get divorced is adultry. So, game over. I hadn't committed adultry (would you want me if I had, I wondered) and my ex hadn't. So, thanks for playing....we can still be friends.

And I'm left frustrated, upset and annoyed. Annoyed because I wish I'd told her earlier so I wouldn't have developed an e-mail crush on her....the whole it's easier to have the heart broken now rather than later. Also, I had being defined by that one thing..and yes, I know it's a huge, big deal..but still. You are judging me by one mistake, one thing in my past and it hurts.

So, that's why I'm a bit cynical and bitter these days....

Can you blame me?