Why is it?

Why is it that when you ask a woman for some time and space that she becomes more suffocating than ever before?

I've met a woman, we've gone out a few times and while I really like her, I'm not quite in the same place she is yet. I could get there but it's going to take me some time....I've told her this as politely as I can and while she will tell me she understands, the actions don't back up the words. She calls constantly now, wanting to know when is the next time we'll get together, when can she see me again?

Ugh, it's so frustrating. I need space and you want to take that space and them some..so I feel totally suffocated by this.

And women wonder why men wig out....

Vicki

One of my intentions in starting this blog was to not only look at how I'm dating now, but also to seriously examine the dating patterns and relationships I've had in the past. To see if I've improved on my strengths and learned from my mistakes.

But that kind of self examination and navel lint picking is a lot harder than it looks.

With the anniversary of 9/11 earlier this week, my mind has been cast back to my relationship with Vicki* and how that all went. Yeah, I'll have to admit that Vicki is not one of my prouder relationship moments becuase, well, it was a rebound relationship and those never end well.

I met Vicki at a local bookstore/coffee house. There was a discussion group that met there monthly and after months of coming up with excuses not to go, I went. I had a good time and after the meeting, everyone went out to dinner. I attended the first month and begged out of dinner due to limited funds at the time. I think I went out to dinner with them the second or third time I attended, but I'm not sure. It's kind of a blur. I do know that whatever time I went out to dinner with them the first time, Vicki was there and we sat near each other.

Embarrassing part of this relationship number one. After our first dinner group dinner and chatting with her and several other people around me for a few hours, I had no idea what her name was. I knew she was attracted to me becuase she let me walk her to her car and we had some similiar tastes in music and we joked about that. She'd given me her e-mail address and told me to drop her a line if I wanted. I was definitely intersted in dropping her a line and hoped her e-mail address might give some clue to her name. It didn't and so I was stuck....did I admit I didn't really know her name even though we'd pleasantly passed a few hours in a group conversation?

This should have been an indicator to myself right there to stay far, far away from this becuase I wasn't in a place that I was ready to have a relationship with anyone--well, except one person who I was still deeply in love with but too stupid to admit to myself that I still loved her and to do something about it. (That is a whole separate story but it does kind of intersect with this one).

Anyway, I went home and contemplated what to do. I even sought out the advice of a friend who laughed at me and said there was no way I could like this girl that much since I couldn't be bothered to remember her name.

But I was in denial and I e-mailed her anyway. I left off the first name and figured it was OK. If she was offended, she wouldn't write back, I rationalized to myself.

I got a response back fairly quickly and we chatted back and forth for a few days. I did get her name, for which I was thankful. I eventually got her phone number and the first time I called her, we chatted for a while until I said something like I was starving, it was dinner time, did she want to grab a bite. She agreed and gave me directions to pick her up, which I did. The meal was pleasant enough though I don't recall what we had or where we went. I do recall taking her home wondering if I should try and kiss her not. She quickly ended this questioning by kissing me.

I told her I'd call the next day and I did. This led to our second date in as many days when she offered to pick up a frozen pizza and just come over to hang out. I said sure after making sure my place was presentable to have a woman over. I recall I'd purchased Austin Powers on VHS because I really wanted to see the second movie (which had just come out in theaters). She had already seen it with friends but said she'd go with me, if I wanted. We watched the first one together and I recall we both laughed and cut up at the some points. We made plans to go see the new Austin Powers film later that week.

We did that and I knew things were going well when she wanted to snuggle up next to me in the movie.

So, we started a relationship. We'd talk on the phone, hang out when we could, etc. I recall she had a job at a store that was on my way home from work, so there were times I'd stop by and say hello to her. I know she really liked having me come by to show off her "boyfriend" for all her co-workers. I'd hear stories about how cute I was and it was so sweet I wanted to come by and see her.

We even went to the group where we'd met together and encountered all the "aren't you guys so cute together?" things.

It was as things continued to get more serious that I made the second huge mistake. I wondered out loud what would be good names for children. I did this mainly becuase I knew someone having a baby and I wondered what I'd name a child if I had one someday. She took this as my saying I wanted marriage and a future with babies with her. That was not my intention at all, but before I knew it, she was looking at bride's magazines and apparently dreaming about dates for the wedding in the near future. This was all unknown to me until...well, later.

In the second month of our three month relationship, the woman I was really in love with dropped back into my life. We renewed our friendship and I have to admit some old feelings stirred. But I thought to myself, "I'm with Vicki now." Then, the woman in question came to me with a question....she'd been offered a great chance for her career in another state and was thinking it. Was there anything that should keep her here?

Stupid me, I missed this obvious hint. Instead of telling her I was still deeply in love with her and wanted to try and see if we could work out, I gave her some advice of I couldn't stand in the way of that and it sounded like a great opportunity. I still kick myself to this day for not realizing what she was really asking at the time.

I even went so far as to have a going away part for her. At my place. Vicki was pretty unhappy about it even though she was invited. And the thing was, the day of the party, I talked to Christine (the woman leaving) and had a revleation--I still loved her. I wanted to beg her to stay but it was too late. And while I liked Vicki as a person, I didn't love her and never would. I can take you to the exact spot where this revelation hit me...it was like a ton of bricks.

And suddenly, I was thinking--oh shit, what have I done?

But the party went onward. Vicki was there along with other friends, but I can only tell you it must have been ackward for everyone there since I was pretty much focused on Christine. In fact when it came time, Christine hugged everyone goodbye and got last to me. I recall hugging her for what seemed like hours and wanting to cry. I walked her to her car and watched her drive away. I swear it was a total 90210 moment where you'd think the credits should now fade to black. I wanted to sit in my driveway and cry...or at least go back inside and be left alone while I wallowed in self-pity that the love of my life (to that point) had just left my life forever.

But I had a house full of friends and, oh yeah, Vicki.

Ooops...

I think my friends sensed something was up and they all quickly left. Vicki stayed and stayed and wanted to spend the night. And I'm not talking just cuddling here. She must have figured something was up when I said I wasn't in the mood and it might be best if she just went home that night.

I knew within a few days that I needed to end things with Vicki, but I didn't want to be the bad guy. If I could get her to dump me, I'd be in the clear as far as guilt went. I went very passive aggressive with her. Not my best moments I can say that and I'm not proud of them. She didn't much care for one of my best friends, so who'd we double date with? Yes, my best firend and his girlfriend. She wanted to get together on a Saturday night but I made plans with another friend and chose those first. Then when she called I made it to be her fault by saying she'd only say maybe if she wasn't tired from working and my buddy had made definite plans. I hoped that all this would annoy her enough to break up with me, but she kept saying it was her fault. No matter how much of an asshole I was, it was always her fault.

But yet I didn't break up with her. She even met my parents, who came to town for a visit. We all went to lunch along with some close friends. And it was an hour of sheer torture for me. My mom told me later she had never seen me so uncomfortable. But yet all during lunch Vicki tried to convince my parents how great I was and how much she liked me. My parents were scared I was serious about her becuase they told me later they had a bad feeling about her and just didn't care for her. I was particularily mean that day when we said goodbye and she wanted to know if I wanted her to come over and hang out with my family some more. I said no, we had some family things to take care of and I'd call her later.

Yeah, like I said--I was an asshole.

My parents left and I realized I had to stop doing this to her and myself. She called me, wanting to come over and spend some time with me. This was her code for wanting to spend the night. I told her she could come over but we needed to talk first. She asked what about and I said I'd rather talk in person. She said she didnt' want to come over upset and I should tell her now. So, I said I didnt' want to see her anymore and that it was over.

Long silence.

"Can I change your mind?" she asked.

"No, not really," I replied.

At this point, she started to cry and said she thought we had a future together--to the point she'd starting thinking about and planning our wedding. Yeah, so I felt like more of an asshole than ever.

I just said I was sorry, she had some stuff at my place and I had some stuff at hers and we should meet and trade the prisoners. I hung up and felt bad for a few minutes but also like this huge weight had been lifted. I felt free for the first time since Christine left.

We did exchange things a few days later. She brought a friend in case I tried to hurt her--I'm not sure what she thought I'd do, but I felt as if I'd hurt her enough. It was awkward and she told me that we should split up when we could go to certain landmarks in the city we'd been to, including the bookstore. I told her that was horseshit and I'd go when I wanted where I wanted. If seeing me was too hard, tough. She'd have to deal. Like I said, asshole.

I stopped going to the group we'd met at for a long while since she'd been part of it first. Also, all her friends in it sided with her and I didn't want to really be around that. We had little contact though I saw her on occasion at public places and she'd always avoid me.

A few months later, I heard about her through the friend of a friend. She'd married a friend of hers and life was not good. He was cheating on her and a drug addict and she was trying to find the strength to leave.

She eventually did and I knew she'd moved away from town. I ventured back to another group at the bookstore and was told I should visit the other group. I decided I would and did.

This was about two years later. Vicki saw my name on an e-mail and wrote to me. I wrote back and just say hello and that I'd been praying for her (I had in reality..it wasn't a thing said to make her feel better or to make myself look good). Then, 9/11 happened...and we both were touched by it by having people we know in the attacks. Her e-mails became more frequent and personal, telling me of her life and how it hadn't all turned out like she'd thought. I sensed in them what I'd known all along--she was very lonely and seeking a connection with someone. I felt lonely as well during that time and realized that what we both were doing was going back somewhere comfortable. For the first few weeks, it had been comfortable, easy and fun...and we wanted that back.

But I realized fundamentally, we wanted different things. I realized this and while I listened to her I became less personal. I told her that I was glad we could be friends now but I was worried we'd go back down a road we both didn't need to go down being in an emotional place. She agreed and we talked a bit more, but lost contact after the initial shock of 9/11 wore off.

I can't say I'm proud of the relationship with Vicki. I used her emotionally and physically to try and not deal with the feelings I had for another woman. But one good thing about it was that it showed me I had to find some closure on a personal level with Christine and my feelings for her before I could even think of offering myself in a relationship to any other woman. And so began a year and a half process of dealing with things and getting myself in a place where I felt I was in a place to start dating again.

*Names changed to protect the innocent.

A veritable smorgesboard of dating opportunities

One of the big dangers of the on-line personals ads is the sheer number of personals you have to choose from. You get on there, fill out your personal information and then you're free to start browsing the wealth of people there who are looking to make a connection. And man, it can be tempting to send a message to every woman who might have potential to be a date.

It's like taking a starving man from the desert and plopping him down in front of the Shoney's buffett--there are so many choices and it all looks so great.

But how do you keep from getting your plate too full or becoming an on-line player?

It's easy to do because unlike going from woman to woman in a public setting, no one really knows that you're trying to hit on 20 different women a night.

One of the first rules I was taught about e-mail was that sometimes it's best to step away, take a deep breath and then send your reply. I think this rule applies to the personals sites. There are times I've come across a profile I really like and instead of firing off the first thing that comes to mind (which I always fear would sound like Beavis and Butthead), I will step away, re-read her profile and really think about what I want to say to her.

Because the thing is--if you see a profile you like, you really hope the person will reply. Which is why, if I'm really interested in getting to know her, I send a reply and not one of those ice breakers or winks.

But it can be hard sometimes. You put some time and thought into your reply and get...nothing. You can hear the crickets chirping and you wonder--geez, what'd I do wrong? Which is why I appreciate the polite rejection if you're not interested. At least it lets me know you read my message, thought about it and decided not to chat with me.

Patience is a virtue--espeically when it comes to trying to find love.

I've just got to keep reminding myself of that.

On-Line Dating

So, I've gone and activated my account on one of big-name, pay singles sites as well as updating an older profile I forgot I'd created on one of the free dating sites. It's basically the same profile in both places so I'll be interested to see what kind of response I get, if any.

I think in a lot of ways, the women on the dating sites have a bit of an easier time than men. Part of that is simply the ratio of men to women out there, looking for a connection on these dating sites.

From my previous experience on these dating sites, I rarely get a cold e-mail from a woman. Well, let me back up and say that I rarely get a cold e-mail from a real woman. By a real woman I mean one who isn't looking to funnel me to her web site where I can watch streaming video of she and her friends. Or you'll occasionally get that response from someone in another country who saw your profile and thinks you're just great--could we start a romance so I can get my green card?

OK, so maybe I'm being a bit cynical there. But honestly, I'm not really looking for THAT much of a long distance relationship. Call me crazy, but I'd like to meet and actually spend more than ten minutes with somoene before I decide if she's the person I want to spent the rest of my life with.

I'll say this about on-line dating--it can be quite the "game" if you will. I was reading some tips and hints about creating the "perfect" profile and I've got to tell you--it's all confusing as hell. The thing is, I don't want to misrepresent who I am to potential dates since starting off on the wrong foot by lying doesn't seem to be the best way to start a potential relationship. But how much or how little do I reveal about myself? Obviously, my full name is out, but what are the things about myself that I think will be attractive to someone and make them want to e-mail me back or write to me cold?

Also, I've noticed the advice of think about when you write. For example, writing to someone on a Friday or Saturday night is apparently not the best idea. I guess the subtle message is--hey, I have no life and no friends. But honestly, I have to ask myself--do people really look at the time stamp on the message and go "Well, you see great but you're home on Friday night sending me an e-mail....so forget it."

Doesn't it say something that while I'm home on a Friday or Saturday night, it doesnt' mean I'm wallowing in self-pity and that I'm trying to connect with someone so maybe next week or in the near future I won't be sitting home alone? And who's to say she's not at home as well, doing the same thing and we're now going to miss each other because we both followed this advice about something that may or may not really matter in the long run?

Rules of Dating

A few years ago, there was a best-selling book called The Rules. It was a collection of rules that a woman was supposed to follow when it came to dating.

I never really read the book, so I guess I missed all those “rules.” Mayhaps this is why my dating life hasn’t been as successful as I’d like.

But when you think about it, we all have our own set of rules when it comes to dating. For example, all of us have a certain age range we’re willing to date within. In most cases, we tend to not date anyone who is significantly older or younger than we are. Things like whether or not she drinks, if she smokes and how often, does she want a family, does she already have kids, how much does she make and does how much I make matter? There are a whole myriad of things we have to screen in or out potential dates.

And that’s even before we get to the things that drove the comedic stylings of Seinfeld and Friends for years. (”Man hands” anyone?)

As I’ve thought about dating and getting back into the wonderful world of dating, I’ve sat back and thought about the rules I have for dating. It’s made me really think about the things that I hold as important to have when it comes to a long term relationship. For example, a few years ago I was seeing a woman who most definitely did not want to have children. She had no desire to and while I was happy that she had thought about this and was upfront enough about it to tell me early in our relationship, I still kept thinking this was something I could overlook. Because in so many other ways we had such comptability and a connection, that it just couldn’t be this one thing that would hold us back.

In the end, it did end up holding me back from really pursuing it and while I know deep down it was for the best, there are still times I wonder “what if”?

But that seems like a pretty good reason for something not to proceed. Unlike this other time when I was in college, when I pretty much rejected a woman because of a pretty Seinfeld reason. See, I met this girl and she was great in every way except..well, let’s just say she had very French ideas on grooming of body hair. OK, let’s be blunt here–the woman had as much hair on her legs as I did…and this really bugged me. But yet it wasn’t something I felt I could bring up to her. Thankfully she brought it up. I guess she noticed I was staring or something. She said that she didn’t like shaving her legs and she wasn’t going to be bound my society’s views of what feminine beauty was.

And so, being a guy, my mind started working. So, she doesn’t shave her legs, I think. What else is not being properly groomed I wonder and is that going to be a turnoff should the relationship progress to that stage?

I will say I never found out. The relationship never went much farther than just a date or two and hanging out.

That said, my friends all gave me a hard time about it. I could be rejecting the “love of my life” because she just had this one quirk.

To which I responded, “So would you date her?” and the reply, “No, but I’m not you.”

Now, those are two kind of extremes I guess in the application of the rules. But yet, I think we all have rules for dating and the person we hope or want to find. And I think there are some we can bend on and some we can’t. And the hardest part of dating (well, one of the hardest) is figuring out which rules are ones that should be followed all the time and which are the ones you’re just being nuerotic about or come from the wonder that is fear of commitment.

Who am I? Why am I here?

No, I don't mean either of those questions as profound philosphocial statements.

Instead, what I wanted to get across in my first post was kind of the mission statement of just what I hoped this blog would be about.

I think the title pretty much sums it up pretty well--single guy in Music City USA who is looking for a date. I don't intend to use this blog as a way of attracting a potential date, but instead to be a reflection on the ups, downs and everything in between of dating in the new millenium as well as examining my history to see what lessons I can learn from it. Or maybe as a way to discuss some things and finally get them resolved so that if I met the woman of my dreams tomorrow (or even later today for that matter), I'd be in a place without as much emotional baggage.

But while I don't intend to meet someone through the blog, if I did happen to meet someone and we had that right spark, I'd not be opposed to that either.

OK, so a bit more about who I am dating wise. I'm a single, white, straight male. I wouldn't say I have the looks of Brad Pitt or six-pack abs, but I think I do a pretty decent job of not wearing stripes with plaids. I've been in a couple of serious relationship in my time and have learned about myself and what I do want and don't want in a potential girlfriend. I plan to respect the privacy of my dates and potential dates (should I meet any) as well as the privacy of those I've been in relationships with in the past. (what I'm saying is I won't use the real names of people on here to protect the innocent) Also, if you're here looking for the hot, sexual exploits of a single guy, then you'd better go elsewhere. That won't be detailed here. There are plenty of other bloggers who can do that for you, probably much better than I ever could. (Sorry, but writing porn is just not my strong suit).

So, here we go....hopefully it will be interesting, fun and entertaining.

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Blog coming soon...