I'm not sure how to take that.

Was browsing the listings on the pay site and came across this interesting turn of phrase in one lady's ad.

"I am loyal as a dog could be"

As the subject line says, I'm not sure what to make of that.

Something I ponder

One of the features of the pay personals site is the ability to see who has viewed your profile. I find this interesting for a couple of reasons.

One is that if I send out a response to someone and then see they've viewed my profile but I never hear back, I can figure that means they're not interested. Which is fine, I guess, but would it kill you to tell me you're not interested? Said paid site offers you the thanks but no thanks option to click on.

The second is I find it fascinating to see who has viewed you. Who does the complicated system of matching think you match and did they click on you? Of course, you could slowly go crazy wondering--well, why didn't she write? What was the thing I said in my profile that made her turn away or not even send a wink or a short message my way?

I was talking to a person I'd met on the pay site and they asked me: "So, having any luck? I seem to get a lot of strange responses."

I think we all get them. And that may be part of the problem. I seem to get an average of one response per week that basically reads the same "You seem like a nice guy. I am looking for a nice man but I live far away. Go to my profile and drop me a line if interested." Nine times out of ten, by the time I get to the message, this person has been taken down. Probably because it's the same scam artist trying to get you to their mail order mate site or something like that.

Which I hate that. It ruins it for those of us out there legitimately trying to make some kind of connection with an other person, beyond separating them from their money.

Just not that into you

I got a call late yesterday afternoon from one of I went out with a few weeks ago. I was in the middle of doing something so I let the call go to voice mail. I checked it a bit later and got the message of "Hey, it's me. You know how to call me if you want to. I haven't heard from you for a while."

To clarify, this call was from the woman who when I asked for some time and space proceeded to call every ten minutes for two hours.

Needless to say, I'm not in any hurry to call back.

Which you think she'd get the message.

But she doesn't, hasn't or refuses to do so.

I was talking to a friend earlier today about this phenomenon. There was a book a few years ago called He's Just Not That Into You and was trying to help women realize that when a guy doesn't call, call back or make definite plans that should be a huge sign that maybe he's just not that interested. I think the same can be said for girls in relation to guys. If she isn't calling back or responding in a timely manner, it might be time to move on.

But then we see all these movies and tv shows were one party isn't into the other but that doesn't things. I'm thinking Niles and Daphne from Frasier here kind of thing. Niles suffers for years of loving Daphne from afar, only to end up with her at the end of the show. Nice fantasy but I am not sure that it translates well into the real world. Instead, we end up with potential stalking and being a doormat for the other person.

Or simply not getting the message that he or she isn't that into you.

Ending things....and not well.

In the past week, I've been accused not once but twice of being mean.

That's difficult to take becuase I honestly don't think I was being all the mean.

One of them was by a woman I'd seen a few times but who wanted a lot more serious a relationship than I did at this point. We were kind of doomed by being at not the same place at the same time and so I tried to end it. Again, this was like George from Seinfeld with the woman who didn't accept the break-up and kept trying to work at it. She'd still call and I'd still respond, but I didn't initiate any conversation with her. I felt it was too cruel to do so, almost as if giving her false hope somehow. The thing was--I was still interested if we could slow things down a bit and move at a more reasonable pace. She said that was fine but her actions didn't follow suit and I've since lost all interest in her beyond just being friends.

Anyway, I was accused of being mean because she IMed to see if I could get together that night. I apolgoize that I couldn't because I'd made plans already and had plans just about every other night this week. I asked if next week would be good and was told I was mean. Not sure the correlation there...

Oh yeah, and I'm emotionally unavailable...

Her words.

Next up is the woman whose constant needs for reassurance started to drive me batty. I don't mind positive reinforcement but when it becomes the sole basis of every conversation you have, it can be a bit perplexing. It's almost like she doesnt' believe it when I tell her that I like her and like to spend time with her.

Though I think that one was heading toward doom anyway. She had a habit of asking very pointed questions about what I liked sexually and while I can understand her logic, I don't think we were at that bridge yet. I can see wanting to be on the same page when it comes to that and I respect it, but when it got into seeming like it was the Dr Ruth show, I tried to have us pull back a bit. It kept coming up (no pun intended) and it just seemed out of place to me in terms of the level of graphic detail she wanted about what I wanted and my past.

So, finally she comes at me with this huge question of where do I think this whole thing is going. At this point, I'm not sure. I like her as a person, but yet some of her habits are making her less attractive romantically. I'm not quite sure how to broach this, so being a guy I go for the honest approach. I tell her I think we've got a great friendship and it could be more but at this point I am not sure.

At this point you can cut the silence with a knife.

She keeps asking the question, as if coming at it from another angle will somehow make the answer different. Finally, she gets disguisted, tells I am mean for not thinking about her feelings and she felt we had potential (I agreed with her on this on several points....but couldn't get her to hear that) and she told me to have a nice life. I've got a text message from her since that wanted to know the same thing--what did she do wrong that made me change my mind and what can she do?

I've not responded. Honestly, I think asking a person to make wholesale changes is not fair to either party.

I keep being reminded of something that Helen, the woman I saw a few times over the summer kept telling me. She would constantly give me status updates on us and where she was and where we stood. Her reasoning was that at least it was fair to both be honest and know where we were. She was afraid of me falling for her and her being on a different page, thus leading to awkwardness and hurt feelings. (But yet going silent and not returning my calls..that was OK). She kept saying "It's better to know now and not be hurt later."

I admire what she was trying to do and yes it sucked at the time when I needed her friendship and got nothing (was having some personal issues). But in the long run it was better that we both not waste our time, as it were.

Relationships and dating are hard work....

Maybe I should take a break for a while....

In the popular media (TV, movies, books), dating is made out as this fun, light thing that single people do. According to all of these shows and movies, single people have all the free time and disposable income in the world to take each other out on elaborate fantasy dates that few in the real world would think up, much less actually do.

This is because it'd be really dull to watch two people go out for dinner or coffee and have the normal, casual first date conversation.

I also know it'd be so much easier for my life if I could have Aaron Sorkin following me around, writing my dialogue before I said it.

But that's a fantasy world and not the real one.

The thing with the dating in books or other popular media is that, for the most part, the hero and the heroine are supposed to end up together. So by the turn of the last page or the last reel, they're going to end up togther and everyone is going to live happily ever after.

In the real world, not so much. Part of it is that in dating, we're making ourselves vulnerable to another person. You're saying to them--here I am, please don't be wearing golf cleats as you stomp on me.

It can be especially hard if you're not on the same page. For example, the woman I wrote about earlier this week who wants almost constant reassurance. It's kind of morphed now into that awkward conversation of what do I want and where is this going?

All after one date and a lot of phone conversations.

Honestly, as this point I don't know where it's going. I think it has potential, yes, otherwise I'd not have given the relationship as much attention as I have. But as for where it's all going, I'm not sure. I'm attracted to her, but I think to steal the title of the book, I'm just not that into her.

I like her as a person and a friend..but as romantic partner, I'm not so sure.

It leads to awkward conversations. Because no one wants to hear that you're more into the person you're into than they are to you. And yet, I feel it's worse to string the person along than to keep them having some false hope that it's all going to be hunky doory.

That conversation happened earlier today and it was, as always, unpleasant. I was asked point blank where I saw us going and I said, "Right now, I like you as a friend and do have potential to be more." Which is, of course, the kiss of death to her. I doubt she heard anything else I said after the f-word dropped into the conversation.

It's odd because a few months ago, I was on the other side of the conversation and I remember how it felt.

The view's not much nicer from over here, let me tell you.

Sometimes, dating just sucks...

The never ending conversation

So, I was talking on the phone earlier with a woman I went out with last weekend. She's a nice enough woman but she needs almost constant reassurance that I am interested in her.

Her: You aren't attracted to me are you?

Me: What?!? Where do you get that from?

Her: Well, are you?

Me: What have I done to indicate that I'm not?

Her: You think I'm crazy, don't you? I just need lots of reassurance that you're interested.

Inside, I'm thinking--would I have made plans for a second date if I weren't interested? Would I call you if I weren't interested? But I realize that maybe she's a bit neurotic, so I try to reassure her a bit...and it works until five minutes later we're in the same conversation AGAIN.

And I've got to be honest here--it's making her less and less attractive all the time. I don't want someone who is completely stuck on themselves, but I do prefer at least some confidence in yourself....

Is that just too much to ask?

Breaking up is hard to do.

Kris over at Not Yet a Wino has a post about breaking up and to share your worst "break-up story."

In a way, I feel as though the one I shared about Vicki was my worst--even though it wasn't me who got dumped.

It got me thinking about breaking up. As the song says, "It is hard to do." I don't think there is any easy side to it or way to do it. I mean, if you're the one dumped, it hurts. Sometimes it may come out of left field or you may have feelings or an interest in that person and can't fathom why they don't want to be with you. I had an experience along those lines this past summer where I'd met a great woman, we'd gone out, talked on the phone, had some great chemistry but she just didn't quite feel the same thing I did. She wasn't in the same place I was and ready for the same thing I was and that kind of drove us apart. We didn't so much break up so much as the relationship just faded and I think we've both moved on.

It's a shame really because even beyond the whole dating thing, I enjoyed her friendship. And that has been kind of lost as well because I think we both have a lot of foolish pride. I guess I could be the bigger guy and pick up a phone and call just to say hey....

Then you've got the other side of the coin--where you have a change of heart and the other person doesn't necessarily know. While you've had time to come to grips with the fact that you're probably going to break-up, when it hits the other person it's still fresh, new and they may or may not accept it. For example, the woman I was dating and who doesn't seem to take the fact that we're breaking up. She keeps coming up with ways to get back in, to find a way into my life and to try and keep connected. And it's kind of hard because I'll get a message saying "Are you avoiding me?"

Well, quite frankly, I have to say yes. Because I'm afraid of leading you on, giving you false hope. I want to be friends, but right now I know that every nugget and contact with me only feeds the fire that we could and will be together. And right now, I'm not sure that's what I want. The thing is--if I figure out six weeks from now I want to be in a relationship with her and she's moved on, then I guess I only have myself to blame. Honestly, the whole I'm going to keep pursuing isn't that cute or enduring. It only reinforces the feeling that I've made the right choice and she is not the one I want to be with in a relationship right now.

Ugh, dating..it sucks.