Christine: The Beginning

For some reason, Christine* has been on my mind a lot lately. I think part of it was a book I read recently about this guy who is desparately in love with one woman, only to lose her (she dies) and he ends up marrying the best friend to them as kind of this consolation prize and on the rebound. Their marriage quickly deteriorates and things do not end well because he's never quite resolved all of his feelings for the first woman and the woman he ended up marrying always feels like a second choice.

Having been the third wheel of the love triangle, I can know how hard it is to be the consolation prize. I was in love with a woman for years and always the second choice. Second choice to my best friend. It took a hard slap in the face of reality to get over that one and push myself to move on. I did it, it was hard work and, quite frankly, I'm better off for it.

It's interesting to think about that story in the light of this one. I'd just pushed myself to get over that love and was getting back to a place where I could think about really dating--not just going out and having a good time. But actually dating with a purpose of leading to a serious relationship.

And it was about that time I met Christine.

Christine came into my life in an interesting way. It was late summer, early fall. Christine started to visit the church I attended and our paths never crossed for a month. But in that month I heard a lot about her. You know how it is when you're the single guy at church and a single girl arrives. You two are perfect and some of the older ladies of the church are planning the wedding....never mind you two have never met yet.

So, I heard a lot about Christine. And I was pretty skeptical.

Which is why when I met her I was completely unprepared for what happened. See, the church I attended had two services and me being lazy, I went to the later one. Christine went to the earlier one due to work conflicts. So, I kept missing her until one fateful Sunday when she showed up at the late service and I was introduced. We sat near each other and let me just say I got nothing out of the service that day except looking at her and thinking, "Wow, she is cute." Well, that was the day of the church picnic and after service, she asked if I was going. I said I was and she smiled and said she'd see me there.

So, a few hours later I show up for the church picnic. I am nervous as all get and had spent much of the afternoon figuring out what to wear. No, really I did. Don't laugh.

Anyway, once there I started looking for her and found her at a table full of some good friends. There was one chair left across for her and I sat down and she and I began to chat. At some point we both got food, though I don't recall this. What I do recall was this almost electric give and take between us, the likes of which I hadn't felt for, well, a really long time. She laughed, I laughed, we cut up, we traded barbs, there were winks exchanged. It was beyond great and I kept pinching myself, waiting for the dream to end and to wake up alone.

It didn't.

I guess my friends picked up on this because they joined a bit. The escalating flirting reached a zenith when Christine pointed out the guy painting faces on the kids.

"Do you trust me?" she asked.

"Sure," I said, not sure what I was getting into.

"Are you sure?" she said. Her blue eyes were sparkling and I think I felt myself slipping a bit more.

My best friend tried to intervene and save me. "Be careful," he warned.

I was having nothing of it. I said I did and she smiled.

"OK, here's what we do," she said. "You get your face painted and I tell them what to do. You don't get to see it until they're done."

I smiled, figuring that it'd be something simple. I agreed. We then went over and got in line.

Now, I was almost saved by the fact that it was close to the face-painters time to go and the line was long. But I think Christine told some of the kids behind me what she had in mind and they cut out of line...so I couldn't graciously let a small child go in front of me.

I got up and sat down.

"Do whatever she says," I told the guy. He looked at me like I'd grown a second head. I saw Christine smile and point at the sheet of potential face paintings.

"That one," she said. She then laughed.

Unbenknownst to me, my best friend had his video camera and took footage of my face being painted. There are photos to this day of this event. Apparently it was well covered. It's not every day you see a guy going this far to impress a woman. At least not at the church picnic. And they thought the dunk tank was entertaining.

So, I closed my eyes and let them do their worst. I was trying to be cool and calm but I was panicked inside. I kept hearing people saying "He's really doing that?" I had visions of some kind of horrible thing being painted on.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, it was done.

"Fabulous," Chrstine said. ("Fabulous" I would come to find out was her word that she'd use a lot...her catch-phrase if you will).

There were no mirrors near by so I had no clue what was on my face. For all I know it could have said I was a Cowboys fan (I hate the Cowboys). We went back to the table to the bemused faces of my friends. At this point, Christine said, "I guess after all that, you should get my number in case that paint doesn't come off."

My friends later told me that were ready to smack me if I didn't tell her I needed her number and give her mine. Luckily no smackings occurred.

I walked her to her car, got her number and watched her drive off. I floated to my car and caught my reflection in a mirror. Holy cow, I was painted like some lizard. I laughed, got in my car and drove home. I did get some funny looks at stoplights. The make-up came off with little problem--soap and water took care of it.

But when I called her the next day, I left her a message that I needed to talk to her about the face painting.

She called back, worried it had stained my face and we both had a good laugh.

That started the give and take banter of our relationship. I felt myself fall for her hard and fast. I can honestly say I think I'd fallen in love with her that first day we met, though it seems I slipped a little more each time I saw her. Her laugh, her smile, her eyes...all were infectious to me. I loved her sense of humor as well as the stories we shared together. She joined the choir soon after that and I swear that for months I just stood in my pew, staring at her. There was just an electricity to us...a give and take I'd rarely experienced with anyone else.

I began to think she was "the one."

I asked her to my office holiday party and she agreed but had to work at the last minute and couldn't go. I agreed to help run the church sound system for the choir performance so we could spend time together. I took her to a Christmas event at an old haunt of mine from the college days, where I had some very good, old friends. One was a minister who had told me once that when I got married, he'd come from wherever he was to perform the ceremony for me. After meeting Christine, he said, "Looks like you may be taking me up on that sooner than I thought."

Every time I saw her, I fell harder and harder in love with her.

There was even the time I "lost" her in Target, which could have been the end but was just a funny story.

Our singles group at church each year used part of our money we raised during the year for the angel tree. And our kid that year wanted a toy box. We figured--easy. Oh wrong we were. Christine and I covered two malls and found nothing. We agreed the next day after church we'd go out and get a toybox from Target. So, we went.

We found it and were in line to pay.

"I've got to visit the bathroom" she said. "I will meet you back here in a minute."

So off she goes and as soon as she goes, a line opens up and I'm first in it. I pay and am pleased. I walk down toward the front of the store restrooms and wait. And wait...and wait....no sign of her.

My mind starts to think. I decided what I needed to do was go find her, but I had this huge box with a toybox in it. So, I decided I'd take it to my car, put in in there and then find her in the store. To my mind, this seemed like a really good idea at the time. So, I did and went back in...

Funnily enough, I ran into some friends from church there. I asked if they'd seen her.

They hadn't but they wondered out loud how I lost her.

I told them.

"You'd better find her fast," they said.

I sensed danger.

After three circuits, I found her. She was amused by my story, but she did mercilessly mock me about the whole thinking I should take the toybox out to the car was a good idea.

It had seemed like a good idea. At the time. Looking back, not so much.

I knew it wasn't when I got to church Wednesday. Christine related the story to my best friend and his wife.

Wife: "You're still speaking to him?"
Me: "I have a side here."
Best friend: "No you don't...shut up now before you have to buy out the florist."

You know you've done it when your best friend gives you that advice in front of the girl. This led to her commenting she loved flowers and no one ever sent them to her.

Which led to part of her Christmas gift...but I think I'll cover that next time.

*Names changed to protect the innocent

I am an idiot.

So, there I am last night, having finally worked up the gumption to ask out a woman I've been wanting to ask out for about two weeks. She says sure and then I say to her "Cool, I'll call you closer to the date to figure out details" (we're going to the Titans game Sunday).

I don't have really anything to write her number on, but we have each other's e-mail addresses. So I ask her to drop me her number and I will call her after she's back from Thanksgiving. She says sure and I'll hear from her today.

And it's only after I stop doing the victory lap and grinning like an fool that I realize--you are an idiot.

Sitting on my belt is my cell phone. The cell phone I'm going to use to call her, in which I could have and should have put her number right then and there.

But oh no, I totally miss that moment because I'm an idiot....

Focus, man, focus. Focus on what's important. She said she wanted to go with you to the game. Don't beat yourself up over the small details...too much.

The call

I was out and about Sunday when cell phone rang. Looked down to see that it was one of the two Crazy Women from my life calling me up. I chose not to answer.

She left a message.

"Hey it's Crazy. Just wanted to see how you were and to talk. If you want to give me a call, you know where I am and how to reach me."

Basically same message as the week before. Earlier in the week, I'd been included on a mass e-mail from her and had ignored it as well.

I keep thinking about that line from Wayne's World. "We broke-up!"

Ugh....

Wonder if she'll call this Sunday....heavens, I hope not.

I'm not sure how to take that.

Was browsing the listings on the pay site and came across this interesting turn of phrase in one lady's ad.

"I am loyal as a dog could be"

As the subject line says, I'm not sure what to make of that.

Something I ponder

One of the features of the pay personals site is the ability to see who has viewed your profile. I find this interesting for a couple of reasons.

One is that if I send out a response to someone and then see they've viewed my profile but I never hear back, I can figure that means they're not interested. Which is fine, I guess, but would it kill you to tell me you're not interested? Said paid site offers you the thanks but no thanks option to click on.

The second is I find it fascinating to see who has viewed you. Who does the complicated system of matching think you match and did they click on you? Of course, you could slowly go crazy wondering--well, why didn't she write? What was the thing I said in my profile that made her turn away or not even send a wink or a short message my way?

I was talking to a person I'd met on the pay site and they asked me: "So, having any luck? I seem to get a lot of strange responses."

I think we all get them. And that may be part of the problem. I seem to get an average of one response per week that basically reads the same "You seem like a nice guy. I am looking for a nice man but I live far away. Go to my profile and drop me a line if interested." Nine times out of ten, by the time I get to the message, this person has been taken down. Probably because it's the same scam artist trying to get you to their mail order mate site or something like that.

Which I hate that. It ruins it for those of us out there legitimately trying to make some kind of connection with an other person, beyond separating them from their money.

Just not that into you

I got a call late yesterday afternoon from one of I went out with a few weeks ago. I was in the middle of doing something so I let the call go to voice mail. I checked it a bit later and got the message of "Hey, it's me. You know how to call me if you want to. I haven't heard from you for a while."

To clarify, this call was from the woman who when I asked for some time and space proceeded to call every ten minutes for two hours.

Needless to say, I'm not in any hurry to call back.

Which you think she'd get the message.

But she doesn't, hasn't or refuses to do so.

I was talking to a friend earlier today about this phenomenon. There was a book a few years ago called He's Just Not That Into You and was trying to help women realize that when a guy doesn't call, call back or make definite plans that should be a huge sign that maybe he's just not that interested. I think the same can be said for girls in relation to guys. If she isn't calling back or responding in a timely manner, it might be time to move on.

But then we see all these movies and tv shows were one party isn't into the other but that doesn't things. I'm thinking Niles and Daphne from Frasier here kind of thing. Niles suffers for years of loving Daphne from afar, only to end up with her at the end of the show. Nice fantasy but I am not sure that it translates well into the real world. Instead, we end up with potential stalking and being a doormat for the other person.

Or simply not getting the message that he or she isn't that into you.

Ending things....and not well.

In the past week, I've been accused not once but twice of being mean.

That's difficult to take becuase I honestly don't think I was being all the mean.

One of them was by a woman I'd seen a few times but who wanted a lot more serious a relationship than I did at this point. We were kind of doomed by being at not the same place at the same time and so I tried to end it. Again, this was like George from Seinfeld with the woman who didn't accept the break-up and kept trying to work at it. She'd still call and I'd still respond, but I didn't initiate any conversation with her. I felt it was too cruel to do so, almost as if giving her false hope somehow. The thing was--I was still interested if we could slow things down a bit and move at a more reasonable pace. She said that was fine but her actions didn't follow suit and I've since lost all interest in her beyond just being friends.

Anyway, I was accused of being mean because she IMed to see if I could get together that night. I apolgoize that I couldn't because I'd made plans already and had plans just about every other night this week. I asked if next week would be good and was told I was mean. Not sure the correlation there...

Oh yeah, and I'm emotionally unavailable...

Her words.

Next up is the woman whose constant needs for reassurance started to drive me batty. I don't mind positive reinforcement but when it becomes the sole basis of every conversation you have, it can be a bit perplexing. It's almost like she doesnt' believe it when I tell her that I like her and like to spend time with her.

Though I think that one was heading toward doom anyway. She had a habit of asking very pointed questions about what I liked sexually and while I can understand her logic, I don't think we were at that bridge yet. I can see wanting to be on the same page when it comes to that and I respect it, but when it got into seeming like it was the Dr Ruth show, I tried to have us pull back a bit. It kept coming up (no pun intended) and it just seemed out of place to me in terms of the level of graphic detail she wanted about what I wanted and my past.

So, finally she comes at me with this huge question of where do I think this whole thing is going. At this point, I'm not sure. I like her as a person, but yet some of her habits are making her less attractive romantically. I'm not quite sure how to broach this, so being a guy I go for the honest approach. I tell her I think we've got a great friendship and it could be more but at this point I am not sure.

At this point you can cut the silence with a knife.

She keeps asking the question, as if coming at it from another angle will somehow make the answer different. Finally, she gets disguisted, tells I am mean for not thinking about her feelings and she felt we had potential (I agreed with her on this on several points....but couldn't get her to hear that) and she told me to have a nice life. I've got a text message from her since that wanted to know the same thing--what did she do wrong that made me change my mind and what can she do?

I've not responded. Honestly, I think asking a person to make wholesale changes is not fair to either party.

I keep being reminded of something that Helen, the woman I saw a few times over the summer kept telling me. She would constantly give me status updates on us and where she was and where we stood. Her reasoning was that at least it was fair to both be honest and know where we were. She was afraid of me falling for her and her being on a different page, thus leading to awkwardness and hurt feelings. (But yet going silent and not returning my calls..that was OK). She kept saying "It's better to know now and not be hurt later."

I admire what she was trying to do and yes it sucked at the time when I needed her friendship and got nothing (was having some personal issues). But in the long run it was better that we both not waste our time, as it were.

Relationships and dating are hard work....

Maybe I should take a break for a while....

In the popular media (TV, movies, books), dating is made out as this fun, light thing that single people do. According to all of these shows and movies, single people have all the free time and disposable income in the world to take each other out on elaborate fantasy dates that few in the real world would think up, much less actually do.

This is because it'd be really dull to watch two people go out for dinner or coffee and have the normal, casual first date conversation.

I also know it'd be so much easier for my life if I could have Aaron Sorkin following me around, writing my dialogue before I said it.

But that's a fantasy world and not the real one.

The thing with the dating in books or other popular media is that, for the most part, the hero and the heroine are supposed to end up together. So by the turn of the last page or the last reel, they're going to end up togther and everyone is going to live happily ever after.

In the real world, not so much. Part of it is that in dating, we're making ourselves vulnerable to another person. You're saying to them--here I am, please don't be wearing golf cleats as you stomp on me.

It can be especially hard if you're not on the same page. For example, the woman I wrote about earlier this week who wants almost constant reassurance. It's kind of morphed now into that awkward conversation of what do I want and where is this going?

All after one date and a lot of phone conversations.

Honestly, as this point I don't know where it's going. I think it has potential, yes, otherwise I'd not have given the relationship as much attention as I have. But as for where it's all going, I'm not sure. I'm attracted to her, but I think to steal the title of the book, I'm just not that into her.

I like her as a person and a friend..but as romantic partner, I'm not so sure.

It leads to awkward conversations. Because no one wants to hear that you're more into the person you're into than they are to you. And yet, I feel it's worse to string the person along than to keep them having some false hope that it's all going to be hunky doory.

That conversation happened earlier today and it was, as always, unpleasant. I was asked point blank where I saw us going and I said, "Right now, I like you as a friend and do have potential to be more." Which is, of course, the kiss of death to her. I doubt she heard anything else I said after the f-word dropped into the conversation.

It's odd because a few months ago, I was on the other side of the conversation and I remember how it felt.

The view's not much nicer from over here, let me tell you.

Sometimes, dating just sucks...

The never ending conversation

So, I was talking on the phone earlier with a woman I went out with last weekend. She's a nice enough woman but she needs almost constant reassurance that I am interested in her.

Her: You aren't attracted to me are you?

Me: What?!? Where do you get that from?

Her: Well, are you?

Me: What have I done to indicate that I'm not?

Her: You think I'm crazy, don't you? I just need lots of reassurance that you're interested.

Inside, I'm thinking--would I have made plans for a second date if I weren't interested? Would I call you if I weren't interested? But I realize that maybe she's a bit neurotic, so I try to reassure her a bit...and it works until five minutes later we're in the same conversation AGAIN.

And I've got to be honest here--it's making her less and less attractive all the time. I don't want someone who is completely stuck on themselves, but I do prefer at least some confidence in yourself....

Is that just too much to ask?

Breaking up is hard to do.

Kris over at Not Yet a Wino has a post about breaking up and to share your worst "break-up story."

In a way, I feel as though the one I shared about Vicki was my worst--even though it wasn't me who got dumped.

It got me thinking about breaking up. As the song says, "It is hard to do." I don't think there is any easy side to it or way to do it. I mean, if you're the one dumped, it hurts. Sometimes it may come out of left field or you may have feelings or an interest in that person and can't fathom why they don't want to be with you. I had an experience along those lines this past summer where I'd met a great woman, we'd gone out, talked on the phone, had some great chemistry but she just didn't quite feel the same thing I did. She wasn't in the same place I was and ready for the same thing I was and that kind of drove us apart. We didn't so much break up so much as the relationship just faded and I think we've both moved on.

It's a shame really because even beyond the whole dating thing, I enjoyed her friendship. And that has been kind of lost as well because I think we both have a lot of foolish pride. I guess I could be the bigger guy and pick up a phone and call just to say hey....

Then you've got the other side of the coin--where you have a change of heart and the other person doesn't necessarily know. While you've had time to come to grips with the fact that you're probably going to break-up, when it hits the other person it's still fresh, new and they may or may not accept it. For example, the woman I was dating and who doesn't seem to take the fact that we're breaking up. She keeps coming up with ways to get back in, to find a way into my life and to try and keep connected. And it's kind of hard because I'll get a message saying "Are you avoiding me?"

Well, quite frankly, I have to say yes. Because I'm afraid of leading you on, giving you false hope. I want to be friends, but right now I know that every nugget and contact with me only feeds the fire that we could and will be together. And right now, I'm not sure that's what I want. The thing is--if I figure out six weeks from now I want to be in a relationship with her and she's moved on, then I guess I only have myself to blame. Honestly, the whole I'm going to keep pursuing isn't that cute or enduring. It only reinforces the feeling that I've made the right choice and she is not the one I want to be with in a relationship right now.

Ugh, dating..it sucks.

Why is it?

Why is it that when you ask a woman for some time and space that she becomes more suffocating than ever before?

I've met a woman, we've gone out a few times and while I really like her, I'm not quite in the same place she is yet. I could get there but it's going to take me some time....I've told her this as politely as I can and while she will tell me she understands, the actions don't back up the words. She calls constantly now, wanting to know when is the next time we'll get together, when can she see me again?

Ugh, it's so frustrating. I need space and you want to take that space and them some..so I feel totally suffocated by this.

And women wonder why men wig out....

Vicki

One of my intentions in starting this blog was to not only look at how I'm dating now, but also to seriously examine the dating patterns and relationships I've had in the past. To see if I've improved on my strengths and learned from my mistakes.

But that kind of self examination and navel lint picking is a lot harder than it looks.

With the anniversary of 9/11 earlier this week, my mind has been cast back to my relationship with Vicki* and how that all went. Yeah, I'll have to admit that Vicki is not one of my prouder relationship moments becuase, well, it was a rebound relationship and those never end well.

I met Vicki at a local bookstore/coffee house. There was a discussion group that met there monthly and after months of coming up with excuses not to go, I went. I had a good time and after the meeting, everyone went out to dinner. I attended the first month and begged out of dinner due to limited funds at the time. I think I went out to dinner with them the second or third time I attended, but I'm not sure. It's kind of a blur. I do know that whatever time I went out to dinner with them the first time, Vicki was there and we sat near each other.

Embarrassing part of this relationship number one. After our first dinner group dinner and chatting with her and several other people around me for a few hours, I had no idea what her name was. I knew she was attracted to me becuase she let me walk her to her car and we had some similiar tastes in music and we joked about that. She'd given me her e-mail address and told me to drop her a line if I wanted. I was definitely intersted in dropping her a line and hoped her e-mail address might give some clue to her name. It didn't and so I was stuck....did I admit I didn't really know her name even though we'd pleasantly passed a few hours in a group conversation?

This should have been an indicator to myself right there to stay far, far away from this becuase I wasn't in a place that I was ready to have a relationship with anyone--well, except one person who I was still deeply in love with but too stupid to admit to myself that I still loved her and to do something about it. (That is a whole separate story but it does kind of intersect with this one).

Anyway, I went home and contemplated what to do. I even sought out the advice of a friend who laughed at me and said there was no way I could like this girl that much since I couldn't be bothered to remember her name.

But I was in denial and I e-mailed her anyway. I left off the first name and figured it was OK. If she was offended, she wouldn't write back, I rationalized to myself.

I got a response back fairly quickly and we chatted back and forth for a few days. I did get her name, for which I was thankful. I eventually got her phone number and the first time I called her, we chatted for a while until I said something like I was starving, it was dinner time, did she want to grab a bite. She agreed and gave me directions to pick her up, which I did. The meal was pleasant enough though I don't recall what we had or where we went. I do recall taking her home wondering if I should try and kiss her not. She quickly ended this questioning by kissing me.

I told her I'd call the next day and I did. This led to our second date in as many days when she offered to pick up a frozen pizza and just come over to hang out. I said sure after making sure my place was presentable to have a woman over. I recall I'd purchased Austin Powers on VHS because I really wanted to see the second movie (which had just come out in theaters). She had already seen it with friends but said she'd go with me, if I wanted. We watched the first one together and I recall we both laughed and cut up at the some points. We made plans to go see the new Austin Powers film later that week.

We did that and I knew things were going well when she wanted to snuggle up next to me in the movie.

So, we started a relationship. We'd talk on the phone, hang out when we could, etc. I recall she had a job at a store that was on my way home from work, so there were times I'd stop by and say hello to her. I know she really liked having me come by to show off her "boyfriend" for all her co-workers. I'd hear stories about how cute I was and it was so sweet I wanted to come by and see her.

We even went to the group where we'd met together and encountered all the "aren't you guys so cute together?" things.

It was as things continued to get more serious that I made the second huge mistake. I wondered out loud what would be good names for children. I did this mainly becuase I knew someone having a baby and I wondered what I'd name a child if I had one someday. She took this as my saying I wanted marriage and a future with babies with her. That was not my intention at all, but before I knew it, she was looking at bride's magazines and apparently dreaming about dates for the wedding in the near future. This was all unknown to me until...well, later.

In the second month of our three month relationship, the woman I was really in love with dropped back into my life. We renewed our friendship and I have to admit some old feelings stirred. But I thought to myself, "I'm with Vicki now." Then, the woman in question came to me with a question....she'd been offered a great chance for her career in another state and was thinking it. Was there anything that should keep her here?

Stupid me, I missed this obvious hint. Instead of telling her I was still deeply in love with her and wanted to try and see if we could work out, I gave her some advice of I couldn't stand in the way of that and it sounded like a great opportunity. I still kick myself to this day for not realizing what she was really asking at the time.

I even went so far as to have a going away part for her. At my place. Vicki was pretty unhappy about it even though she was invited. And the thing was, the day of the party, I talked to Christine (the woman leaving) and had a revleation--I still loved her. I wanted to beg her to stay but it was too late. And while I liked Vicki as a person, I didn't love her and never would. I can take you to the exact spot where this revelation hit me...it was like a ton of bricks.

And suddenly, I was thinking--oh shit, what have I done?

But the party went onward. Vicki was there along with other friends, but I can only tell you it must have been ackward for everyone there since I was pretty much focused on Christine. In fact when it came time, Christine hugged everyone goodbye and got last to me. I recall hugging her for what seemed like hours and wanting to cry. I walked her to her car and watched her drive away. I swear it was a total 90210 moment where you'd think the credits should now fade to black. I wanted to sit in my driveway and cry...or at least go back inside and be left alone while I wallowed in self-pity that the love of my life (to that point) had just left my life forever.

But I had a house full of friends and, oh yeah, Vicki.

Ooops...

I think my friends sensed something was up and they all quickly left. Vicki stayed and stayed and wanted to spend the night. And I'm not talking just cuddling here. She must have figured something was up when I said I wasn't in the mood and it might be best if she just went home that night.

I knew within a few days that I needed to end things with Vicki, but I didn't want to be the bad guy. If I could get her to dump me, I'd be in the clear as far as guilt went. I went very passive aggressive with her. Not my best moments I can say that and I'm not proud of them. She didn't much care for one of my best friends, so who'd we double date with? Yes, my best firend and his girlfriend. She wanted to get together on a Saturday night but I made plans with another friend and chose those first. Then when she called I made it to be her fault by saying she'd only say maybe if she wasn't tired from working and my buddy had made definite plans. I hoped that all this would annoy her enough to break up with me, but she kept saying it was her fault. No matter how much of an asshole I was, it was always her fault.

But yet I didn't break up with her. She even met my parents, who came to town for a visit. We all went to lunch along with some close friends. And it was an hour of sheer torture for me. My mom told me later she had never seen me so uncomfortable. But yet all during lunch Vicki tried to convince my parents how great I was and how much she liked me. My parents were scared I was serious about her becuase they told me later they had a bad feeling about her and just didn't care for her. I was particularily mean that day when we said goodbye and she wanted to know if I wanted her to come over and hang out with my family some more. I said no, we had some family things to take care of and I'd call her later.

Yeah, like I said--I was an asshole.

My parents left and I realized I had to stop doing this to her and myself. She called me, wanting to come over and spend some time with me. This was her code for wanting to spend the night. I told her she could come over but we needed to talk first. She asked what about and I said I'd rather talk in person. She said she didnt' want to come over upset and I should tell her now. So, I said I didnt' want to see her anymore and that it was over.

Long silence.

"Can I change your mind?" she asked.

"No, not really," I replied.

At this point, she started to cry and said she thought we had a future together--to the point she'd starting thinking about and planning our wedding. Yeah, so I felt like more of an asshole than ever.

I just said I was sorry, she had some stuff at my place and I had some stuff at hers and we should meet and trade the prisoners. I hung up and felt bad for a few minutes but also like this huge weight had been lifted. I felt free for the first time since Christine left.

We did exchange things a few days later. She brought a friend in case I tried to hurt her--I'm not sure what she thought I'd do, but I felt as if I'd hurt her enough. It was awkward and she told me that we should split up when we could go to certain landmarks in the city we'd been to, including the bookstore. I told her that was horseshit and I'd go when I wanted where I wanted. If seeing me was too hard, tough. She'd have to deal. Like I said, asshole.

I stopped going to the group we'd met at for a long while since she'd been part of it first. Also, all her friends in it sided with her and I didn't want to really be around that. We had little contact though I saw her on occasion at public places and she'd always avoid me.

A few months later, I heard about her through the friend of a friend. She'd married a friend of hers and life was not good. He was cheating on her and a drug addict and she was trying to find the strength to leave.

She eventually did and I knew she'd moved away from town. I ventured back to another group at the bookstore and was told I should visit the other group. I decided I would and did.

This was about two years later. Vicki saw my name on an e-mail and wrote to me. I wrote back and just say hello and that I'd been praying for her (I had in reality..it wasn't a thing said to make her feel better or to make myself look good). Then, 9/11 happened...and we both were touched by it by having people we know in the attacks. Her e-mails became more frequent and personal, telling me of her life and how it hadn't all turned out like she'd thought. I sensed in them what I'd known all along--she was very lonely and seeking a connection with someone. I felt lonely as well during that time and realized that what we both were doing was going back somewhere comfortable. For the first few weeks, it had been comfortable, easy and fun...and we wanted that back.

But I realized fundamentally, we wanted different things. I realized this and while I listened to her I became less personal. I told her that I was glad we could be friends now but I was worried we'd go back down a road we both didn't need to go down being in an emotional place. She agreed and we talked a bit more, but lost contact after the initial shock of 9/11 wore off.

I can't say I'm proud of the relationship with Vicki. I used her emotionally and physically to try and not deal with the feelings I had for another woman. But one good thing about it was that it showed me I had to find some closure on a personal level with Christine and my feelings for her before I could even think of offering myself in a relationship to any other woman. And so began a year and a half process of dealing with things and getting myself in a place where I felt I was in a place to start dating again.

*Names changed to protect the innocent.

A veritable smorgesboard of dating opportunities

One of the big dangers of the on-line personals ads is the sheer number of personals you have to choose from. You get on there, fill out your personal information and then you're free to start browsing the wealth of people there who are looking to make a connection. And man, it can be tempting to send a message to every woman who might have potential to be a date.

It's like taking a starving man from the desert and plopping him down in front of the Shoney's buffett--there are so many choices and it all looks so great.

But how do you keep from getting your plate too full or becoming an on-line player?

It's easy to do because unlike going from woman to woman in a public setting, no one really knows that you're trying to hit on 20 different women a night.

One of the first rules I was taught about e-mail was that sometimes it's best to step away, take a deep breath and then send your reply. I think this rule applies to the personals sites. There are times I've come across a profile I really like and instead of firing off the first thing that comes to mind (which I always fear would sound like Beavis and Butthead), I will step away, re-read her profile and really think about what I want to say to her.

Because the thing is--if you see a profile you like, you really hope the person will reply. Which is why, if I'm really interested in getting to know her, I send a reply and not one of those ice breakers or winks.

But it can be hard sometimes. You put some time and thought into your reply and get...nothing. You can hear the crickets chirping and you wonder--geez, what'd I do wrong? Which is why I appreciate the polite rejection if you're not interested. At least it lets me know you read my message, thought about it and decided not to chat with me.

Patience is a virtue--espeically when it comes to trying to find love.

I've just got to keep reminding myself of that.

On-Line Dating

So, I've gone and activated my account on one of big-name, pay singles sites as well as updating an older profile I forgot I'd created on one of the free dating sites. It's basically the same profile in both places so I'll be interested to see what kind of response I get, if any.

I think in a lot of ways, the women on the dating sites have a bit of an easier time than men. Part of that is simply the ratio of men to women out there, looking for a connection on these dating sites.

From my previous experience on these dating sites, I rarely get a cold e-mail from a woman. Well, let me back up and say that I rarely get a cold e-mail from a real woman. By a real woman I mean one who isn't looking to funnel me to her web site where I can watch streaming video of she and her friends. Or you'll occasionally get that response from someone in another country who saw your profile and thinks you're just great--could we start a romance so I can get my green card?

OK, so maybe I'm being a bit cynical there. But honestly, I'm not really looking for THAT much of a long distance relationship. Call me crazy, but I'd like to meet and actually spend more than ten minutes with somoene before I decide if she's the person I want to spent the rest of my life with.

I'll say this about on-line dating--it can be quite the "game" if you will. I was reading some tips and hints about creating the "perfect" profile and I've got to tell you--it's all confusing as hell. The thing is, I don't want to misrepresent who I am to potential dates since starting off on the wrong foot by lying doesn't seem to be the best way to start a potential relationship. But how much or how little do I reveal about myself? Obviously, my full name is out, but what are the things about myself that I think will be attractive to someone and make them want to e-mail me back or write to me cold?

Also, I've noticed the advice of think about when you write. For example, writing to someone on a Friday or Saturday night is apparently not the best idea. I guess the subtle message is--hey, I have no life and no friends. But honestly, I have to ask myself--do people really look at the time stamp on the message and go "Well, you see great but you're home on Friday night sending me an e-mail....so forget it."

Doesn't it say something that while I'm home on a Friday or Saturday night, it doesnt' mean I'm wallowing in self-pity and that I'm trying to connect with someone so maybe next week or in the near future I won't be sitting home alone? And who's to say she's not at home as well, doing the same thing and we're now going to miss each other because we both followed this advice about something that may or may not really matter in the long run?

Rules of Dating

A few years ago, there was a best-selling book called The Rules. It was a collection of rules that a woman was supposed to follow when it came to dating.

I never really read the book, so I guess I missed all those “rules.” Mayhaps this is why my dating life hasn’t been as successful as I’d like.

But when you think about it, we all have our own set of rules when it comes to dating. For example, all of us have a certain age range we’re willing to date within. In most cases, we tend to not date anyone who is significantly older or younger than we are. Things like whether or not she drinks, if she smokes and how often, does she want a family, does she already have kids, how much does she make and does how much I make matter? There are a whole myriad of things we have to screen in or out potential dates.

And that’s even before we get to the things that drove the comedic stylings of Seinfeld and Friends for years. (”Man hands” anyone?)

As I’ve thought about dating and getting back into the wonderful world of dating, I’ve sat back and thought about the rules I have for dating. It’s made me really think about the things that I hold as important to have when it comes to a long term relationship. For example, a few years ago I was seeing a woman who most definitely did not want to have children. She had no desire to and while I was happy that she had thought about this and was upfront enough about it to tell me early in our relationship, I still kept thinking this was something I could overlook. Because in so many other ways we had such comptability and a connection, that it just couldn’t be this one thing that would hold us back.

In the end, it did end up holding me back from really pursuing it and while I know deep down it was for the best, there are still times I wonder “what if”?

But that seems like a pretty good reason for something not to proceed. Unlike this other time when I was in college, when I pretty much rejected a woman because of a pretty Seinfeld reason. See, I met this girl and she was great in every way except..well, let’s just say she had very French ideas on grooming of body hair. OK, let’s be blunt here–the woman had as much hair on her legs as I did…and this really bugged me. But yet it wasn’t something I felt I could bring up to her. Thankfully she brought it up. I guess she noticed I was staring or something. She said that she didn’t like shaving her legs and she wasn’t going to be bound my society’s views of what feminine beauty was.

And so, being a guy, my mind started working. So, she doesn’t shave her legs, I think. What else is not being properly groomed I wonder and is that going to be a turnoff should the relationship progress to that stage?

I will say I never found out. The relationship never went much farther than just a date or two and hanging out.

That said, my friends all gave me a hard time about it. I could be rejecting the “love of my life” because she just had this one quirk.

To which I responded, “So would you date her?” and the reply, “No, but I’m not you.”

Now, those are two kind of extremes I guess in the application of the rules. But yet, I think we all have rules for dating and the person we hope or want to find. And I think there are some we can bend on and some we can’t. And the hardest part of dating (well, one of the hardest) is figuring out which rules are ones that should be followed all the time and which are the ones you’re just being nuerotic about or come from the wonder that is fear of commitment.

Who am I? Why am I here?

No, I don't mean either of those questions as profound philosphocial statements.

Instead, what I wanted to get across in my first post was kind of the mission statement of just what I hoped this blog would be about.

I think the title pretty much sums it up pretty well--single guy in Music City USA who is looking for a date. I don't intend to use this blog as a way of attracting a potential date, but instead to be a reflection on the ups, downs and everything in between of dating in the new millenium as well as examining my history to see what lessons I can learn from it. Or maybe as a way to discuss some things and finally get them resolved so that if I met the woman of my dreams tomorrow (or even later today for that matter), I'd be in a place without as much emotional baggage.

But while I don't intend to meet someone through the blog, if I did happen to meet someone and we had that right spark, I'd not be opposed to that either.

OK, so a bit more about who I am dating wise. I'm a single, white, straight male. I wouldn't say I have the looks of Brad Pitt or six-pack abs, but I think I do a pretty decent job of not wearing stripes with plaids. I've been in a couple of serious relationship in my time and have learned about myself and what I do want and don't want in a potential girlfriend. I plan to respect the privacy of my dates and potential dates (should I meet any) as well as the privacy of those I've been in relationships with in the past. (what I'm saying is I won't use the real names of people on here to protect the innocent) Also, if you're here looking for the hot, sexual exploits of a single guy, then you'd better go elsewhere. That won't be detailed here. There are plenty of other bloggers who can do that for you, probably much better than I ever could. (Sorry, but writing porn is just not my strong suit).

So, here we go....hopefully it will be interesting, fun and entertaining.

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Blog coming soon...